Sharing the Emotional Labor of Parenthood
The Mental Load Nobody Warned You About
Becoming a parent isn’t just about diapers, bottles, and figuring out how to get sleep in 2-hour stretches.
It’s also about holding the invisible checklist that never seems to end:
When did baby eat last?
Are they warm enough?
Do we have clean bottles?
Should we try a different swaddle?
Did we schedule the pediatrician appointment?
What’s that rash?
Are we doing this “right”?
This constant thinking, planning, anticipating, and worrying is called emotional labor—and new parents, especially mothers, often take on most of it without even realizing it.
If you feel mentally maxed out… It’s not just you.
It’s the invisible load of early parenthood.
What Emotional Labor Looks Like When You Have a New Baby
Emotional labor is everything you’re doing that no one sees:
keeping track of sleep windows
noticing changes in baby
planning meals
managing household needs
remembering appointments
carrying the “what if…” scenarios
worrying about development
navigating feeding choices
managing visitors, texts, and boundaries
thinking three steps ahead at all times
It’s the mental organizing that keeps a family running (while also keeping you exhausted).
Why the Mental Load Often Lands on One Parent
It’s not because one parent “cares more.”
It’s usually because:
you’re the primary parent home with the baby
you’re breastfeeding
you started doing it and now it’s the habit
society subconsciously teaches moms to “just handle it”
you don’t want to ask repeatedly
your partner doesn’t always see what needs doing
And honestly? Many parents feel guilty for wanting help. But emotional labor should never be a one-person job.
How to Share the Emotional Labor Without the Arguments
1. Talk About the Invisible Things You Do
Most partners don’t realize the mental work happening behind the scenes. Not because they don’t care, but because emotional labor is invisible.
A calm, honest conversation can bring everything into the light.
Try sharing:
“What you see me doing is one thing, but what you don’t see is the thinking, planning, and anticipating behind it.”
Here’s an example: There is a lot more than meets the eye when getting dinner on the table. There is the planning of meals, knowing what you have on hand and what you don’t, creating the grocery list, purchasing the groceries, putting them away, setting aside time to cook, prep work for the meal, cooking the meal, cleaning up as you go, serving dishes, and cleaning up afterwards. Having someone share some of that load with you can make a world of difference!
2. Divide Categories, Not Tasks
Instead of saying “you do diapers and I’ll do dishes,” divide whole areas.
For example:
You handle all pump parts + bottles.
I’ll manage laundry.
You do all nighttime diaper changes.
I’ll handle pediatrician communication.
And then, TRUST them to do their part! This gives each person full ownership, which prevents micro-managing and resentment.
3. Make Space for Breaks (Real Ones)
No one can carry the mental load 24/7. Sometimes, the greatest gift a partner can give is time where you don’t have to think about anything but yourself.
Alone time is not a luxury; it’s maintenance. Your brain needs rest just as much as your body does. When we don't allow time for proper restorative breaks, we risk burnout, building up of emotions, and resentment, especially if the other parent has those breaks.
4. Give Each Other Grace
Everyone is learning.
Both of you are tired.
Both of you are adjusting.
And both of you want to do your best.
Emotional labor becomes lighter when both partners feel like they’re on the same team, not competing to see who’s more tired or overwhelmed.
5. Remember: You’re Both New to This
Even if you prepared, even if you read the books… Nothing truly prepares you for the mental load of real-life parenting. You’re creating new roles, new routines, and a new rhythm together. And that takes time.
You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to make mistakes. Always be open to learning how you can be a better parent and partner.
✨ Want to Make Postpartum Feel More Like a Team Effort? Let’s Talk! ✨
My virtual and in-person postpartum sessions help couples communicate, divide emotional labor, and create smoother systems at home.
Book a Postpartum Planning Session or reach out to chat about what support could look like for your family. You deserve a postpartum season that feels supported, not stretched thin.
