Carrying Grief Into the Holidays and Milestones
The holidays are often pictured as joyful, cozy, and full of celebration. But for parents grieving a pregnancy or infant loss, this season (and other milestones like anniversaries or due dates) can feel heavy and complicated. It’s normal to wonder how you’ll get through a time when the world seems to be celebrating while your heart aches.
You are not alone in these feelings. Grief has a way of showing up in unexpected moments, and it’s okay if the holidays or anniversaries bring up waves of sadness, longing, or even anger. Here are six gentle thoughts and ideas that may help you navigate this tender season.
1. Acknowledge Your Baby and Your Grief
Your baby is part of your story, and your grief is real. Lighting a candle, hanging a special ornament, or including your baby’s name in holiday rituals can be a meaningful way to honor them. Acknowledging your baby doesn’t take away from the holiday; it makes space for love and remembrance.
The holidays are a time when family gets together, and it’s normal to feel the loss of your baby during this time. It is okay to bring them up, talk about what you hope they would be doing, include their name in your holiday cards, or whatever else feels right to you. It is also perfectly normal if you decide to hold that close rather than share it with everyone. Remember, there is no “right way” to grieve and love your baby.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Choose What Feels Right
You don’t have to do everything the way you’ve always done. If hosting feels too hard, it’s okay to say no. If certain gatherings or traditions feel overwhelming, you’re allowed to opt out or create new ones. Grief changes us, and it’s okay if it changes the way we celebrate. Your feelings and mental health matter! If you need to protect that by giving yourself some space during the holidays, go for it.
3. Plan Ahead for Tender Days
Holidays, anniversaries, and your baby’s due date may stir up strong emotions. Planning something small but meaningful for those days can help you feel grounded. This could be writing a letter to your baby, visiting a special place, getting some fresh air, or setting aside quiet time to reflect.
Having a plan in place can help keep you from spiraling when the emotions come on fast and hard. Keep in mind (or write down) a few things you know can help keep you grounded when it all feels like too much.
4. Be Gentle With Expectations
It’s common to feel pressure to be “festive” or “okay” during the holidays. Remember, you don’t have to put on a brave face for anyone. Give yourself permission to step away, cry, or find comfort in solitude if that’s what you need.
Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or act. Loss and grief are very personal, and no two situations are the same. This is also true when you connect with other loss parents. It may feel like others have it “figured out,” or you might compare your situation to someone else’s and think, “if they can do that, why can’t I?” But everyone processes differently. Your grief is unique, and your way to live after loss will look different than others.
5. Lean on Support
Whether it’s a partner, a friend, a doula, or a support group, don’t hesitate to reach out for extra love and care. Sometimes just having one safe person who understands can ease the weight of the season.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need! Many people want to help and don’t know how; some guidance can be helpful. And this doesn’t mean you need to spell it out for them step-by-step. It can be as simple as telling a loved one who invited you over, so you’re ‘not alone’, “I appreciate the invitation and the gesture, but I really prefer to be at home/alone this holiday.”
6. Remember That Joy and Grief Can Coexist
It may feel confusing if you find yourself laughing or enjoying parts of the holidays while still grieving. Both can exist together. Loving and missing your baby does not take away from the moments of joy you may experience, and moments of happiness don’t mean you’ve forgotten.
Take each day as it comes and remember that you are entitled to live a full life, one that includes a full range of emotions, such as grief, joy, and even hope.
Closing Thoughts
The holidays and milestone days may never feel the same after loss, and that truth can be painful. But you are not walking through this alone. Finding ways to honor your baby, protect your heart, and lean on support can help carry you through.
Most of all, remember: your grief is valid, your baby is remembered, and you are worthy of gentleness and compassion during this season.
Resources for Parents Experiencing Pregnancy and Infant Loss
March of Dimes- www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/miscarriage-loss-and-grief
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support – www.nationalshare.org
Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS) – www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.org
MISS Foundation – www.missfoundation.org
Return to Zero: HOPE – rtzhope.org
Postpartum Support International (PSI) – www.postpartum.net (offers specific loss resources and a warmline)
Wave of Light (October 15th) – A worldwide movement where families light candles at 7 PM to honor babies gone too soon.
Non-Religious Facebook Support Group- for folks who are not religious, looking for support that is not affiliated with any religions. www.facebook.com/groups/pailsupportforatheistagnosticparents/
If you’re looking for connection, support groups (both local and online) can be a safe place to share your baby’s story and walk alongside other families who understand.
